Computer Gift Hammer Manual Version 1.0
The Computer Gift Hammer is both “software” and “hardware.” When you open the package, it’s software, but a few puffs of air into the little valve and -- voila! -- you have hardware. You're now free to bash your old hardware to your heart's content! What a gift.

Shareware - Welcome to the Computer Hammer's world of "air" ware.

Hitting the mouse -It’s very common for your mouse to stick at the worst times. Hit the mouse repeatedly with the Computer Hammer until you feel better, then proceed to clean the rollers inside the mouse to avoid having this happen again.

The Computer Screen - We found during our testing that hitting the monitor with the Computer Hammer is very satisfying, as many people consider the screen to be the cause of most problems.

The Keyboard - Hitting the keyboard is especially effective when you can’t type fast enough, or are making too many typing errors. (This also gives you time to regain your composure).

The Printer - It feels good to hit your printer when it’s too slow, runs out of ink, or slows everything else down.

The Scanner - If your scans don’t come out right, just hit the scanner with the Computer Hammer gift.

The Telephone - Prank calls, annoying relatives, and telemarketers bother us all. We suggest hanging up, then pounding the phone with the Computer Hammer while telling them not to call back. Make sure you did hang up though.

The Cell Phone - Same as above, except put the cell phone on a sturdy surface before the pounding.

The Television - Have you ever had a day where you can’t find anything good to watch, your team didn’t win, or you missed your show? Just take the Computer Hammer and pound away on the TV screen.

The VCR - Most VCR’s are hard to figure out. If you have problems with yours, just pound the VCR, then proceed to read the VCR manual.

The Fax Machine - Are constant junk mail faxes bothering you all the time and using up your paper? Pound the fax machine and call the fax company to have it removed, then pound the phone after you hang up.

Writing the Nasty Letter - If you want to curse at someone in a letter, we recommend leaving a space on the page where you can show your displeasure, then pounding the keyboard in all areas at least 10 times.

The Modem - Sometimes the speed of your modem seems slow. Try pounding the modem with the hammer for several minutes. This will make you feel better, and has the added benefit of distracting you while the modem lumps along.

The Laptop - The Computer Hammer is most effective with a portable PC because of the laptop’s smaller size. Place the laptop on a table, then pound it with the hammer until the battery wears out. This way, you are hitting the PC, the screen, the mouse, and the keyboard all at once.

Handheld computers - Wow! What a size advantage! When your handheld gets out of line, you can place it in the middle of an open area. Blow up the hammer in full view of the handheld, then pummel it until your annoyance goes away. Most handheld computers become more cooperative after this adjustment.

15 Foot Jumper - This is the most fun hammer maneuver. Starting 15 feet away from your desk, run toward the computer with the hammer gift held high, jump through the air, and hit the PC as you land. Not only does the 15 Foot Jumper look and feel great, it also really impresses your office coworkers!

Software - Sometimes, a particular software will cause you frustration. Locate the original CD and manual, place them on your desk, then use your Computer Hammer to pound the daylights out of both.

Mac Users - Mac users will be happy to know that the Computer Hammer works on Macs also.

Getting mad at your boss - This works best when you are in a large communal office that houses your coworkers, with the boss’s big office at the end of the room. Take the Computer Hammer in both hands and, while yelling “Arrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” at the top of your lungs, run the length of the room towards the boss’s office. Take a leap at the door while swinging the hammer wildly. (We do suggest doing this when the boss is away!)

Hot air - If you’re occasionally full of hot air, it’s recommended that you keep your hammer deflated while not in use. When the hammer need arises, it may be blown up manually. This will provide a healthy release for your excess hot air, as well as making you feel better even before you use it! You may also have a friend who’s full of hot air -- let them blow it up.

Breath - If you can blow up the Computer Hammer gift in one breath, you’ve really got a great set of lungs!

In the Water- The Computer Hammer is very useful for swimming exercises. We recommend having one for each hand.

Hammer Gifts Storage Hints - install a small piece of Velcro to your hammer, and another to a spot on your desk. Your Computer Hammer will now be out of the way until you need it.

NBA Basketball - Computer Hammers would make a good behind-the-backboard “foul shot intimidator” when the opposing team shoots and the home crowd bothers the shooter.

Helium - We are currently running tests to find out if the Computer Hammer rises when filled with helium.

Pick up chicks - You’ll be amazed at the looks you get by standing on a street corner squeezing the hammer head’s squeaker. Chicks go crazy over this.

Pick up guys - Girls, if you’re after a computer nerd, the Computer Hammer will get them every time!

Contests

We are running a “Biggest Computer Letdown Stories” contest. Email us your worst story. We will judge the stories and announce the winner. You could win an autographed hammer from the inventor himself!

“Your Computer Hammer Gift Use” contest. Email us your most interesting use of the Computer Hammer. We will judge the entries and post the most interesting ones. The winner will also get an autographed hammer from the inventor.

Check back to see the contest winners.
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